A Sobering Confession of Mental Health

January is a sobering month for me.

Eight years ago, right around today's date, my husband took me to a mental health crisis center after a few-month struggle with postpartum depression that took a turn toward psychosis. I felt nothing but blankness and anger, and my mind was preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and paranoia.

People who have never experienced such a horrible state of mind seldom understand. "Just snap out of it," I heard. "Just get a good night's sleep and you'll feel better in the morning." Nope. Try again. "She's just crazy," others said. The worst one? Oh, that's easy: "Mental illness is bullshit."

Let me set the record straight for anyone who doubts it: mental illness is a very real and devastating diagnosis. What followed my trip to the crisis center were three years of utter hell involving constant supervision under a psychiatrist, prescription medication, therapy, couples counseling, frequent mental breakdowns, a manic period that involved moving to a new state and buying a house I'd never seen (talk about a poor life decision, but don't judge, please, because unless you've been there, you cannot possibly understand the severity of mania), weight gain of almost 20 pounds (thanks, Lithium), and a complete loss of all sense of self.

The interventions got out of hand. I was prescribed medications that caused me to lose control of my hands while driving, that convinced me that taking a solo walk in the middle of the night in one of Seattle's most crime-ridden areas was a good idea, and that literally changed my personality. Looking at photos from that time of my life is painful; I am unrecognizable to myself. The wild look in my eyes, my expressions, the body language - none of it even resembles who I have always been.

The impact on my husband and two very young girls was stressful, to say the least. I went through the day-to-day motions ensuring that diapers were changed, games were played, mouths were fed, and then I'd lie in bed awake most nights wishing that a meteor would strike my house and land on me so that I wouldn't have to repeat the daily nightmare again and again. I often look back and feel a sense of massive relief that my girls were too young to remember the time that their mother was barely able to function.

Five years ago, I reached the ultimate turning point: die or choose to live. Somehow, from deep within the shrouds of severe depression, I found the will and desire to live and found a new therapist. Under my doctor's supervision, I spent six weeks weaning off all medication, and January was my first month sober from the overmedicated haze. The change was immediate. I lost nearly all the weight I'd gained in a month and a half. The depression and fuzziness lifted. I could see that the world was full of endless possibilities, and I was able to recognize just how much I loved being a mom to two beautiful, precious girls.

The last five years of my life has been a journey of health. I started a new career, we moved to a safe neighborhood, I began practicing yoga and running, picked up doing hip hop dance, focused on eating a healthy diet, learned how to make friends who were kind and supportive, and gathered the courage to continually work on becoming the wife and mom my husband and girls deserve.

I was ashamed of my mental health issues for years, but I am no longer afraid of what others might think. Hitting this very rock bottom that took half a decade to dig out of has made me the strongest and healthiest version of myself that I have ever been. I am a much better wife, mom, and friend because of my experiences, and I wouldn't take that life lesson away even if it meant surpassing the horrible pain through which I struggled.

Kudos to this guy who made the difficult decision to get me help eight years ago, held me when I tried pushing him away, and never stopped believing in me. Today I am well, and I could never have done it without his support and huge smile.

The couple that runs trails together wearing
 INKnBURN looks pretty spiffy!

I love this guy so much.