Beat the Blerch Holiday "Fun" Run

If you have never heard of The Oatmeal, you really need to check it out. The artist behind the comic is both a local Seattleite and an ultra-marathon runner, so it's safe to say his comics really hit home for me and often leave me laughing stupidly. I'd be laugh-snorting if I were a snorter, but sadly I am not. I say "sadly" because I have a friend who snorts when she laughs and it's the best thing ever because it makes everyone around her laugh, which makes her laugh (and snort) even harder, and before you know it you've had a complete abdominal workout from all the hysterics. I need more snort-laughers in my life because they're flat-out amazing. True story.

So anyway, there's this awesome race in September by The Oatmeal called Beat the Blerch, which may be the most enjoyable half marathon I have done to date because, well... cake. And twisted humor everywhere. I convinced my husband and one of my closest friends, Kim, to run it with me this year.

Pre-race shenanigans. In case you're
wondering, I'm the goat's arse.

My husband and friends are kind of awesome.

After the 13.1 mile out-and-back trail race, we plopped onto the grass and did the only logical thing one would do after running that kind of distance:

Did I mention... cake?

With the Beat the Blerch Half Marathon being such a blast, it's only natural that Kim sent me information for the Holiday Run asking if I wanted to do the 10K with her. Well, twist my arm. Of course I wanted to do an easy fun run with one of my favorite people. Plus, it meant surprising her with obnoxious light-up necklaces and Christmas-light earrings so we could be twinsies for the Saturday evening race:

My tall, beautiful running buddy and my
awesome INKnBURN tights pre-race.

Unfortunately, even though I'm usually notoriously over-prepared, I was not at all prepared for how freaking cold this 10K was. In addition to the icy temps, it was painfully windy and included the added bonus of having to dodge a ton of 5K walkers taking up the entire width of the narrow Green Lake trail for the first mile. To be fair, I'm not knocking anyone for getting out there and walking, running, jogging, limping, crawling, whatever... I actually think it's wonderful that folks of all ages and abilities were out there and some brought their kiddos, and I would never discourage any kind of healthy physical activity... BUT it would have been swell if the slower peeps and those with strollers or who brought their dogs (despite it being against the rules) would have kindly stuck to the right of the walkway to allow the runners to safely pass on the left. You know, like that rule on the highway that the slow Seattle drivers freaking ignore because they want to piss off the people actually going the speed limit. As a result, Kim and I and other runners were stuck jumping over large puddles to the left of the paved pathway.

Did I mention it was cold? My toes, which had gone completely numb while walking over to the park in the parade of crazy holiday-adorned Blerch runners, were soaked with near-freezing water and felt like I was running on two blocks of ice in a matter of about three minutes. Kim and I were both grateful that we had brought extra running clothing and changed into something warmer than originally planned. We warmed up by the time we were about halfway through the first chilly lap of the lake, but the wind didn't show any plans of letting up. By about 20 minutes in, we had passed through the main bulk of the crowd and were able to run at a reasonable speed.

We finished fairly quickly despite the circumstances in about 54 minutes, laughing about how miserable we were with our ridiculous necklaces jingling and bouncing and our numb fingers and toes burning. Oh, and me saying, "Hey Kim... remember that time in September when we ran Beat the Blerch and you wanted to strangle me for setting a pace faster than planned? Yeah... about that..."

Don't let the smiles fool you.
We were freezing our butts off.

Once we completed the race and earned our awesome Blerch bling, we headed back to the store where we were promised cookies and hot chocolate only to find a giant line of flashing Christmas-lights-adorned Blerchers stretching around the block. So what happened next? A WHOLE LOT OF TAMRA WHINING ABOUT HOW COLD SHE WAS (how annoying) as we stood in the line from hell for over half an hour. Luckily, a couple of my friends happened to show up to the line at the same time we did, so at least the company was great as we stood there, huddled together, soaked in cold sweat under our thin tech wear and lightweight running jackets. The wind showed no mercy and the temps kept dropping as our teeth chattered.

After dying from hypothermia, we were brought back to life upon finally reaching a box full of blankets, which were being handed out to all the attendees by Blerchangels. And not just any blanket, but the most disgusting/awesome/hilarious blanket I have ever seen. Allow me to introduce my latest Blerch bling and new blanky:

Medal and... OMG WHAT IS THAT? 

Ladies and gents, THAT greasy thing is actually a blanket.

Shortly after wrapping the blanky around my shoulders, we made it indoors to the treats just before it started drizzling outside. Dairy and I aren't friends, so I sadly nibbled on an allergen-safe cookie while watching my friends sip hot chocolate *sad violin*. Finally, Kim and I were slightly warmed up and brave enough to run through the rain wearing giant pizzas to my car, which was conveniently parked about a quarter of a mile away. Minus ten points for crappy Seattle parking.

In a nutshell, Beat the Blerch Holiday Run was cold, miserable, and I almost lost a digit or ten due to near-frostbite, but the company and laughs and giant pizza blanket were worth it... I think. No promises that Kim and I will do it again next year, even if a giant pizza is involved.

The Beat the Blerch Half Marathon, though? Count me in for next year.