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Monday, April 17, 2017

Monday Humor: Don't Be This Yogi

I love Mondays because my favorite yoga instructor teaches a power vinyasa class in the late evenings. Every time I attend her class, I walk out of the hot room with my entire body feeling like putty. While I enjoy my quiet, at-home yoga practice (which is particularly great this time of year because the warmer temperatures mean I can do yoga in my backyard), nothing beats the dimly-lit 105° room filled with mirrors that prove I am capable of sweating enough to drown myself in the massive amount of sweat I produce in the span of one measly hour. Honestly, I think the amount of liquid pouring from my body during a good yoga session has the power to scare small children and grown adults alike.
Basic Side Angle Pose; Sarape Top and Skirt by INKnBURN
But that disgusting note aside, I had this comical set of thoughts rolling through my mind yesterday as I flew from Phoenix back to Seattle after a quick, whirlwind family reunion weekend. As a stupidly anxious flier (even though I *know* I'm safe), I usually have to pull out an entire bag of tricks to keep any looming anxiety attacks at bay. The flight was bumpy, and James got hit with what we think is a case of food poisoning just before boarding, so he was either busy accosting the single lavatory in the back of the small jet or writhing in agony in the window seat next to me. It was bad enough that I can't even make a joke about the dreaded MANCOLD.

In short, I had to occupy my hyperactive mind with a stupid movie that I won't bother naming, a glass of wine, and a list of my favorite yoga pet peeves, which I'd like to share:

  1. The vocal yogi. You know which one I'm talking about. It's the person who moans and groans during every move. I find the moaning particularly annoying. Look, it's tough. I get it. But if you must be vocal, limit the use of noise to a few per practice or find a yoga place not specifically advertised as a "silent" room.
  2. The I-am-so hot yogi. You know, the one checking themselves out in the mirror during every single pose. The occasional glance to check one's form is fine. The gawking is a little overboard, especially when duck face is involved. 
  3. The let-me-take-a-selfie to show off how awesome I am yogi. Oops... I might be this one *cough*. Just not during class. Does it make it a little more bearable if I can make fun of myself? #sorrynotsorry
  4. The smelly yogi. None of us smells particularly fresh during yoga practice in humid, triple-digit temperatures. That said, if I can smell your B.O. from six feet away, you need to pay more attention to your personal hygiene. We're supposed to be breathing through our noses during practice. Don't make this more difficult than it already is. Namaste. 
  5. The over-extender yogi. You know who I'm talking about... the person who can sloppily make their way into an extended pose while skipping the basic just to prove they can do it, then they look around to make sure everyone sees them doing it. I sheepishly admit that I have been this person, and trust me, it's way cooler and much better practice if you surrender the ego, slow down, and breathe into each part of the pose before taking it to the next level with control. It can be even more impressive if you skip the extended pose and focus on having a strong and properly-aligned basic. #liveandlearn
  6. The close-quarters yogi. I have personal space issues, so nothing annoys me more in the hot room than when someone lays their mat down too close to mine. I'm fine with having close neighbors during busy classes, but if there's plenty of room, there's no need to be bunkbed mates. I like to extend my arms without bumping into other people, and I have freakishly long arms. 
  7. The gawker non-yogi. I rarely see this happen (thank goodness), but I always find it irritating when I see someone in there checking out all of us in our yoga tights. Don't be the guy or gal who goes to yoga with the intention of finding a date. We're there to practice yoga, not to have our backside checked out by a creeper. 
  8. The farting yogi. Yup, I went there. One little slip is a forgivable offense, and I especially can't hate on postpartum moms because I know how rough it is having babies. If you let more than one rip, though, I hope you have the good sense to avoid eating chili, broccoli, and onions before going to your next class. If you feel a toot coming on, fake feeling spent and peacefully drop down into a relaxing tight-cheeked pose until the urge passes to let it blow.
  9. The sick yogi. Look, if you're suffering from a little sinus pressure or some sniffles, I totally understand how therapeutic and medicinal sweating through a hot yoga class can be. However, if a massive amount of snot is draining out of your face, you're coughing up a tuberculosis-infected lung, or you're running a fever, please stay home. Don't be that jerk who gets all of us sick. You never know which one of us is a teacher or new mom or has a compromised immune system or an elderly parent at home, and exposing us to your infectious disease is just flat-out irresponsible. Stay home, drink some hot soup, and call your doctor. Don't be the sick yogi in class. Just don't.
  10. The judgmental yogi. You know, that person who is supposed to be focusing on their practice, but they're secretly noticing the groaning, farting, body-odor and coughing peeps around them and plotting writing a blog post about it... #BUSTED 😂  
With all that said, my ego has calmed down extensively during the last few years of practicing yoga. While I used to always notice everyone around me, I rarely feel distracted by others these days. Instead, I really try to focus on the breath as I'm supposed to, and if I'm not feeling an extended pose, I stick to the basic one. It makes for a much more peaceful and rewarding practice.

Dancer Pose
Fire Rooster Top and Feather Capris by INKnBURN
Happy Monday! And if it's not a happy one, try adding some yoga to your day.

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